At my sister’s wedding, I watched as my grandmother sat still, clearly not wanting to miss any of the proceedings. There was only one problem: she could not understand what was being said.
It was in Nairobi, and people in cities speak either Swahili or English. My grandmother spoke only our native language, Kamba. I feared that she was bored, so I tried to entertain her, but she was clearly not interested. Her granddaughter was getting married, and that’s all that mattered. She was not bored; she didn’t wish the event was taking place in the village where she’d obviously be more comfortable. She simply did not care about any of those things.
She could see that her granddaughter was happy, even when she could not hear what was being said or understand any of the urban songs people were dancing to.
I later found myself reflecting on my grandmother’s attitude. Maybe all grandmothers just have infinite love and would do anything for their grandchildren. But it was not just that; there was something more.
The truth is that people who choose you just do. They may not show a grandmother’s dedication, but you will know they choose and are committed to you. Actually, at times, they do so despite, not because of. They are there for you, and they hide or minimize the costs that come with doing so.
And then there are those who will never choose you. These will find all sorts of reasons not to. And you, while mistaken, imagine that they’d change their mind if you did this or that other thing. You change yourself for them, to the point that you become unrecognizable, but they still aren’t satisfied. Then, tired and exhausted, you come to the realization that they just would never choose you.
To those who want you, you don’t have to be anything; to those who’d never pick you, nothing you do will be enough. Make no mistake, we should work to improve ourselves. But we should not do it for anyone. The people who would choose us aren’t waiting for us to be anything. Those who wouldn’t will not even notice our transformation.
“But aren’t some people genuinely busy?” you ask. The answer is that nobody has time. Only idlers have unused time to honor every request and pay attention to this and that. There is no such thing as time, only intentions and priorities. Those who want to be there for you make time, they disappoint others so as not to shortchange you. You are a priority to them.
Some people make the mistake of not noticing things, a terrible shortcoming, indeed. Don’t test the limits of those who choose you. They make time; the best thing you can do is show you understand this. Yes, they don’t ask that you be anything, but this is not to mean that you shouldn’t. It is much easier to choose one capable of being chosen.
Life is actually not as hard, except that many are poor at making obvious observations. In love, they imagine that one who’s playing hard to get is interested but, for some reason, does not want to appear cheap. At work, they imagine that being buried in tasks is evidence of a boss preparing them for larger roles and responsibilities. Nothing is more misguided.
People are exploitative, but they generally don’t misuse those they care about. That boss is just overworking you, not preparing you for anything. And no, that lover isn’t afraid of coming across as desperate. He or she is just not into you.
It is true that not everyone is good at making decisions, but most people will know what they want if it’s presented to them. Hesitation is usually a no. They don’t want you, they don’t want that business deal, and they think that suggestion is a terrible idea; they just don’t want to say it.
If being with you appears like work to someone, it’s because it is. It’s true that all things are hard, and being with you is no exception. However, what we choose becomes easy or doable, not because of the thing itself, but as a result of our choosing it.
Sitting in a place for hours to follow proceedings you cannot understand—all in an urban setting when you would rather be in the village—is hard. Still, it was not hard for my grandmother. She was not pretending; she didn’t need rescuing. The thing was hard, but then it wasn’t. It wasn’t because she chose her granddaughter.
Most of us cannot rival a grandmother’s commitment and dedication; we shouldn’t try. But the rules of choosing and being chosen remain the same. You know because you have chosen someone at some point; you know because you, too, have been chosen at some point.
Choosing is a sacrifice, one that those interested in you so readily make, and one those not interested will never make, even if the cost of doing so is near zero. Work to improve yourself, but live freely. Those who would choose you aren’t waiting for you to be anything.
A reminder, we don't need to change who we are to be loved or valued.
Two questions I ask often, now , Who in my life shows up for me consistently, even when it's not easy for them? and Who accepts and values me just as I am, without asking me to be different? Go a long way.
Kudo's to your grandmother, that is unconditional love.
The right people will choose us as we are, without asking us to become someone else.
Thank you for sharing this insightful and reflective essay , Patrick.
Wow. What an excellent post, Patrick! We must learn to see our nose in front of our face rather than pine for what we wish for things to be. The number one I took away was re hesitation—you’re so right, it’s just a stalling point for ‘no.’ Good reminder!