Sorry and Its Limitations
No sorry is ever sweet; meet expectations to never have to rely on it
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There is the best thing, and then there is the second-best thing. They are not the same, and they’ll never be. Sorry, even when understandable and acceptable, is a second-best thing. Never praise yourself for offering the sweetest apology.
Let’s say someone commits murder. The state will get him and lock him away for a long time, perhaps forever. You, the victim, will get justice in that this offender will never be a free man again. This, however, is pointless to you. You never wanted justice, you never wanted to know this person whose confinement must now become justice to you.
You want your brother to be alive, just as was the case before this murderer took him—permanently—from you. But no one can give you this, so you have to settle for the second-best thing: justice. It is foolish for someone to expect you to be happy with this compromise you must now take. It is the second-best option, one far inferior to the best one.
Some people imagine that saying sorry erases all mistakes, cures all problems they’ve caused, and remedies all wrongs. “Why won’t she forgive me? I really did apologize genuinely for what I did,” someone will wonder.
You may not believe it, but an apology is actually a distasteful thing; it corrodes the ears and leaves a very sour taste in the mouth of the hearer. It is only accepted because you have failed to meet expectations; it’s the second-best thing. In fact, that it’s so readily accepted can only mean one thing: those you’re dealing with don’t believe you were ever capable of doing better.
They will be pleased, but not for long. They will grow to resent you, and then they will banish you from their presence and find someone who won’t ruin their mood with endless incidences of “I’m so sorry.”
Understand: we are not children. We have responsibilities and obligations. There are things we’re expected to do—as spouses, parents, friends, employees, employers, managers, prime ministers, etc. We must strive to play our expected roles in whatever interactions and dynamics we’ll be part of.
It is inevitable that we will fall short from time to time, but this must not become frequent. It must be rare; it must be the exception. Sorry is not something we should have to say frequently. And no, it is not because we are the misguided type that sees an apology as a weakness. Rather, it is because we are men and women of excellence. We meet standards; we do what is expected of us. We do not box people into the uncomfortable corner of having to accept our excuses.
I know there is a lot of loosening of standards nowadays and almost anything is acceptable. Relationships so hollow as to be laughable, news that is distasteful propaganda, political rhetoric so offensive to intelligence and good taste, pretense and farcical interactions on social media, etc.
Still, don’t imagine that this loosening of standards is by everyone. Don’t be deceived to believe that this obfuscation when it comes to defining quality is accepted by all. Out there, there are men and women dazzling with displays of excellence and quality. These aren’t so fooled as to believe that the diluted is to be celebrated, and they frown at the notion that the mediocre should be praised.
There are desirable things, and these will remain, and then there are acceptable things. Mistakes are inevitable, but they should be rare, not the norm.
Sorry will never be number one. People just want you to do your job and play your role. You, too, want the same from others. People aren’t unreasonable, they are understanding, they just don’t want to keep hearing why you couldn’t do what was expected of you. It is exhausting; you, too, would get tired of hearing apologies every day from someone.
Justice is talked about often. “We want justice; we want it now!” But justice is a correction, a terrible compromise that is evidence of gross malfunction and dysfunction.
Don’t say sorry; see that you don’t have to say it. Even more importantly, ensure that others will not come to see you as someone who has nothing else to offer but a sweet sorry, for this is a confirmation of an inability to provide the best thing. Theirs isn’t understanding: it’s sympathy and pity.
Your sorry should be rare, because the instances you must say it are, too. Here, it will be accepted, and rightly so, as the temporary deviation from the norm that it is.
Sorry is like justice—bitter and sour. To imagine it’s sweet is to be both misguided and insensitive, and one who is so will be ostracized for burdening others with the ugly task of having to accept it.
True accountability and proof of learned insight through action is better than words of apology
"There is the best thing, and then there is the second-best thing. They are not the same, and they’ll never be." - I can relate to this sentence.
In a work environment, it is important not to say "sorry" too much. Your employer requires you to do good work, and not make lots of mistakes. Constantly apologizing makes people lose trust that you can consistently meet expectations for your role. They'll accept your apologies, but view you with pity and sympathy rather than respect. [ or get replaced ]
We must account ourselves to a high standard. Thank you for sharing this insight Patrick.