Very wise observations, Paolo. Accountability, and proof that one has learned. Otherwise, we'll keep repeating mistakes and saying a meaningless sorry every time.
I wish we had different words for two types of apology. One type of apology is when we recognize a mistake and accept our responsibility for it (I'm sorry I was late for the meeting"). Another kind of apology asks for forgiveness ("I'm sorry I was late for the meeting. I know this is rude and inappropriate behavior and it communicates that I don't value your time. I want you to know that I DO value your time and I hereby commit to always being on time. Can you please forgive me for being late to this meeting?"). This type of apology is often praised but imo, it places a burden on the person/people receiving the apology. Upon hearing these sorts of words, my inner voice is saying something like "Shut up already and just be on time!"
I agree, Dan, and this relates to our recent conversation on notes. The best we can do is be sorry for something, recognize a mistake, and commit to doing better. We shouldn't expect the one wronged to forgive us. In their mind, they're thinking, "Shut up already and just be on time!" They rather we learn, not strive to extract an understanding from them.
How about this: If I know you as a person, then I know that you respect me and you will try to be on time. Ergo, I know that you are beating yourself up for being late. And I know something must have happened that made you not be on time. Why apologize when it was outside of your control? I'm just spit-balling...
Totally agree, Elsie. There are people we know, and we know that something must have happened for there to be a deviation from the norm. We shouldn't expect these to apologize. In fact, in the spirit of true friendship, we should want to know their predicament (if they are willing to share) for we know they'd never fall short on purpose.
Distinguishing between a simple acknowledgment of a mistake and a deeper request for forgiveness would clarify communication. The first type is straightforward and takes responsibility, while the second, though well-intentioned, can indeed place an emotional burden on the receiver.
It’s almost like we need a term for a “responsibility apology” and another for a “forgiveness apology.”
"There is the best thing, and then there is the second-best thing. They are not the same, and they’ll never be." - I can relate to this sentence.
In a work environment, it is important not to say "sorry" too much. Your employer requires you to do good work, and not make lots of mistakes. Constantly apologizing makes people lose trust that you can consistently meet expectations for your role. They'll accept your apologies, but view you with pity and sympathy rather than respect. [ or get replaced ]
We must account ourselves to a high standard. Thank you for sharing this insight Patrick.
Thank you Tinashe. This is particularly very important in the workplace where stakeholders just want the job done. They may understand, but you may still end up fired. Thanks for this fitting reflection.
Thank you for sharing! Some people are raised to apologize for breathing. Now I only say 'sorry', when I actually have a reason to apologize. It completely changed my attitude.
A crucial point, Elsie, and one which has come up in a conversation with a reader earlier. My response was what you've said: if you haven't done anything wrong, don't apologize. It's not your job to appease people. Thank you for this point Elsie!
As always your writing is like peeling layers from an Onion, each layer provoking deeper and stronger feelings and thoughts! I love Onions though! Red ones are my fav and green ones too! But seriously, I think there are many excellent people out there who strive not to have to ever say sorry and I appreciate them. When, for whatever reason they fail it is used as a learning opportunity and their sincere repentance is evident. However, I try not to count on or depend on others and am always looking at what will need to be done if or when they fail - that way I am pleasantly surprised not disappointed and left up the creek without a paddle. I do not ever require an apology, the damage is done and I can tell more by someone’s actions if they are truly repentant. Either way no expect or low expectations is a protective measure that has worked for me. Of course, this is not a parenting technique! But even so I have tried to teach my son to set his own expectations for himself not for others. One of my fav songs by Al Wilson is The Snake! You will love it! I heard it years ago and has stayed with me. In this way one can live their life without piling hurt after hurt up, and walling oneself’s in with bricks if betrayal. But then forgiveness is another whole article yes? 😊
Thank you, Holly. These are very deep and real reflections. Thanks for always taking your time to respond. I'll look for this song and listen to it.
"I do not ever require an apology, the damage is done and I can tell more by someone’s actions if they are truly repentant."
Things just need to be done, not apologies. You can always tell when one is truly sorry, and they will not even need to say "sorry". Thank you my friend.
As someone who is extremely hard on myself, a habitual apologizer, and a frequent mistake maker (though, sometimes i am not even sure of whether they are truly mistakes or just me feeling like i have acted in a way that people might not like), this was a very tough read! LOL
Great one, Patrick. I agree. An apology is never the best option. But when it’s necessary, it must be heartfelt, sincere, and backed by action (not repeated poor performance/inappropriate behavior). 👍
'...justice is a correction, a terrible compromise that is evidence of gross malfunction and dysfunction.'
Really well said point, Patrick! Apart from seeking justice, we should also be focusing a lot on eradicating such gross malfunction and dysfunction in the first place!
I am completely in opposition to this new hip view way of what I call distance communication, aka semantics.
Here's another take - from the limited literal to the expansive and inclusive - sorry can also mean " I resonate with how the cause and effect worked out, I can see how one action affected the distance between us and I'm feeling your hurt and how it affected you. It was unconscious and a shitty day." Instead of just words you might feel them, see it in their eyes, understand that the words carry weight because you too know what it's like to deliver a message of weight or feel regret over something said on a shitty day.
It's just a word and we are stuck on words rather than the resonance that vibrates the words. You can take any word and either reduce it to its righteousness or build it into context and create consciousness around it to create a feeling of cohesion. "Ahhh, you might say, I too have sucked from time to time. We can't change the past but can you tell my why you did it so I can understand the full picture." Or something like that.
Cohesion.
We have become lazy in human connection. If we continue down the road of intolerance and semantics, we might as well hand over our humanity to the very precise and very cold robots.
Forget what I say, know what I mean might be the new mantra we need OR talk to me like English is my second language (something I, as an Aussie, used to say to a former partner who was a Texan).
Thank you for this response. Was actually not focusing on semantics, I use "sorry" in this broader sense you describe here, the one of offering an apology.
But I agree with what you say, especially how you frame this as a communication issue where we must focus on more than words.
Deeds don't lie, and we can learn more from them. Perhaps, in this way, there can be a broader context that can help evaluate apologies better, seeing what cannot be expressed in words.
A well considered reflection back to me. Thank you. A really important subject of our times.
When working with clients with traumatic childhoods that find themselves constantly going back in time and unable to move on, I ask them if the person in question were to look them in the eyes, with sincerity, and apologise, could it heal the past - every single one says yes.
So I do it for them.
“Sorry” is one of the most powerful healing words we have and those of us that can, must.
It's fascinating to think of the word "sorry" and just how frequently it is used these days. Does sorry still hold meaning? Does it hold the depth and feeling of sorrow to have slipped up? You're right about sorry being the second-best thing. We should try to prevent lapsing into a sorry-based state where we can, but it means doing what you can to avoid it.
I think, perhaps in a bid to show ourselves as understanding, we have unwittingly created a world where "sorry" has become a cheap word. People offend because they know they'll simply apologize and expect to be forgiven
I think many instances of sorry can be avoided if people really did their best. But they don't, because they think saying sorry is just as good as the work itself. But it isn't.
Totally agree. It's past time for the gap between our intentions and the impact of our actions to be seamless. The loosening of standards is not OK. Justice is corrective but also a deterrent. It sends the message to others to get themselves together.
Thank you for these observations, Johanna. Intentions matter little if our actions cause harm to others. We simply should know better. You observe right about justice, which is why it is right for people to discourse about this topic. It may not mean much to one who's already lost. However, when effective, it is the deterrence that will prevent similar incidences in the future.
Without apologies, many interpersonal and societal conflicts might remain unresolved, leading to prolonged resentment, anger, and frustration. If people didn't apologize, there might be less personal accountability for wrongdoings, as individuals wouldn't feel the need to acknowledge their mistakes or make amends.
The absence of apologies could lead to increased social tension and hostility, as slights and offenses would be left unaddressed. Relationships could suffer due to a lack of apologies, as people would struggle to repair damage caused by hurtful actions or words.
Social norms and etiquette would likely be quite different, as apologizing is often seen as a sign of politeness and respect. Without the option of apologizing and settling disputes informally, people might be more likely to resort to legal action to resolve conflicts.
Apologies often involve perspective-taking and acknowledging the feelings of others. Without this practice, there might be less emphasis on empathy and understanding in society.
In a world without apologies, pride and stubbornness might be more prevalent, as people would be less likely to admit fault or back down from their positions. Think Donald Trump.
Overall, a world without apologies would likely be one with more unresolved conflicts, less accountability, and strained interpersonal relationships. Apologies serve an important social function in maintaining harmony and repairing damage in personal and professional interactions.
You make very good points here, Terry, and I agree with them. I think a world without apologies would be poorer in the ways you so very well describe in here. I, however, will add something: I don't think apologies are as effective as those who offer them think.
The one wronged, the one being told "sorry". resents being in the position where he was wronged, and where he must accept this sorry. He accepts it, but still hates himself for it. I think most people see offending for what it is : someone did them wrong because he could, because he's more powerful, perhaps.
Apologies help maintain civility. One who apologizes shows courtesy, the one who receives and accepts shows grace. But they change little. They are like the things done not because they're are necessarily effective, but because not doing them would make matters worse.
This, obviously, applies to errors and offenses of impact. For small ones - like when someone spills coffee on your shirt - they are genuine and accidental mistakes that a "sorry" can fix.
Apologies are not a guarantee of anything. But they can have positive consequences. Wars can be avoided. Students can be given an on-site suspension rather than a suspension. Two people who wouldn’t talk with one another now talk to one another. How you are describing the situation seems to simplify the issue and leave nuances out of the analysis. Apologies in many ways are the basis of religion and the concept of forgiveness and salvation. I’m not sure what to do with your advice. Never apologize? Know that apologies make things worse or do nothing? Do you intend this sentence to apply universally or to a situation to people find themselves in. Your words: “The one wronged, the one being told "sorry". resents being in the position where he was wronged, and where he must accept this sorry. He accepts it, but still hates himself for
It.” I don’t resent being harmed when someone apologizes to me. I’m more apt to appreciate their acknowledgment. I’m not sure what resent means here. What I feel when someone apologizes depends on what they did, why, and their sincerity. I’m in a restaurant. A guy walks by and knocks my coat off the chair and says he’s sorry. I am supposed to hate myself because I said “no problem”? This logic escapes me, Patrick. Explain it to me like I’m a five year old.
Oh no, didn't mean it this way. In your restaurant example, it's a genuine mistake, he certainly didn't mean it. "No problem" is the right response. I used resent to mean being in a position where one is harmed, because he was powerless and the one who harmed him just felt he could.
If, for example, Putin ended the attack on Ukraine and apologized, the war would probably end. Zelenskyy would most likely accept it, but he'd still resent the imbalance of power that saw Russia attack. (This commentary obviously ignores other factors, like those fronted by Russia for attacking Ukraine. I use it to illustrate the role of an apology and it's limitations).
With the restaurant example, an apology solves everything. If it's a war, it solves some things, but there is what it won't address.
We should apologize when wrong, but we should be alive to what cannot be changed by an apology.
Absolutely. But that’s not what you said. My first comment was “An apology is no guarantee.” But if you mean someone who is harmed because he is powerless by someone who just could do it—and then says sorry—that’s a narrow slice of apological activity. You’re talking about psychopathic apologists, not about universal human nature. But the post reads as if you’re talking about everyone and every apologist
I have noticed that a lot of our differences stem from our assumptions about people. I think you generally think a lot more people are good - at least more than I do. Tendencies that you would deem extreme - the stuff of psychopaths and sociopaths, in your definition - I would think of them as being more prevalent in the typical population.
Maybe we've met different kinds of people, maybe you are too optimistic, perhaps there are good things I haven't seen... But I do like how you view people; you generally see them as better than my understanding of human nature makes me believe.
I’ve held a longstanding commitment to examining assumptions. One assumption is that there is one human nature. How much of what we call human nature is learned, inherited? Poverty and prejudice distort life experiences and turn people into cynics and skeptics. Doing something hurtful on purpose and then saying sorry with fingers crossed isn’t human nature; it’s learned behavior, game playing, mental illness. Universal discourse patterns like apologies, vows, oaths, pledges hold important meaning for societies around the world with periodic distortions (Trump, Putin, Netanyahu etc.). In my view, a test of the decline of a society is the degree to which generally people act with language in a responsible, appropriate manner under universal ethical norms like empathy, honest. I know all kinds of people. Nothing surprises me. But I am optimistic about humanity. Humanity is the only being which can deeply learn and self-regulate behavior in community.
Let me play devils advocate Patrick. You would agree with me that no one is perfect right? People have bad days, make mistakes, are insensitive—we’re only human. What would happen in a world where apologies did not exist?
I agree, Terry, no one ever is, and we'll have bad days and make mistakes. In a world where apologies don't exist, we'll certainly be worse off. I just think that we should make these days as few as can reasonably be possible. Currently, I feel that some offend because they know they'll just say "sorry" and expect to be forgiven. It is these that give apologies a bad name.
True accountability and proof of learned insight through action is better than words of apology
Very wise observations, Paolo. Accountability, and proof that one has learned. Otherwise, we'll keep repeating mistakes and saying a meaningless sorry every time.
I wish we had different words for two types of apology. One type of apology is when we recognize a mistake and accept our responsibility for it (I'm sorry I was late for the meeting"). Another kind of apology asks for forgiveness ("I'm sorry I was late for the meeting. I know this is rude and inappropriate behavior and it communicates that I don't value your time. I want you to know that I DO value your time and I hereby commit to always being on time. Can you please forgive me for being late to this meeting?"). This type of apology is often praised but imo, it places a burden on the person/people receiving the apology. Upon hearing these sorts of words, my inner voice is saying something like "Shut up already and just be on time!"
I agree, Dan, and this relates to our recent conversation on notes. The best we can do is be sorry for something, recognize a mistake, and commit to doing better. We shouldn't expect the one wronged to forgive us. In their mind, they're thinking, "Shut up already and just be on time!" They rather we learn, not strive to extract an understanding from them.
How about this: If I know you as a person, then I know that you respect me and you will try to be on time. Ergo, I know that you are beating yourself up for being late. And I know something must have happened that made you not be on time. Why apologize when it was outside of your control? I'm just spit-balling...
Totally agree, Elsie. There are people we know, and we know that something must have happened for there to be a deviation from the norm. We shouldn't expect these to apologize. In fact, in the spirit of true friendship, we should want to know their predicament (if they are willing to share) for we know they'd never fall short on purpose.
Dan, a great observation indeed.
Distinguishing between a simple acknowledgment of a mistake and a deeper request for forgiveness would clarify communication. The first type is straightforward and takes responsibility, while the second, though well-intentioned, can indeed place an emotional burden on the receiver.
It’s almost like we need a term for a “responsibility apology” and another for a “forgiveness apology.”
"There is the best thing, and then there is the second-best thing. They are not the same, and they’ll never be." - I can relate to this sentence.
In a work environment, it is important not to say "sorry" too much. Your employer requires you to do good work, and not make lots of mistakes. Constantly apologizing makes people lose trust that you can consistently meet expectations for your role. They'll accept your apologies, but view you with pity and sympathy rather than respect. [ or get replaced ]
We must account ourselves to a high standard. Thank you for sharing this insight Patrick.
Thank you Tinashe. This is particularly very important in the workplace where stakeholders just want the job done. They may understand, but you may still end up fired. Thanks for this fitting reflection.
This is really insightful! Thank you for sharing.
Welcome, Adebola. I'm glad you've found it so.
Thank you for sharing! Some people are raised to apologize for breathing. Now I only say 'sorry', when I actually have a reason to apologize. It completely changed my attitude.
A crucial point, Elsie, and one which has come up in a conversation with a reader earlier. My response was what you've said: if you haven't done anything wrong, don't apologize. It's not your job to appease people. Thank you for this point Elsie!
Great essay, Patrick. Sorry is something that we should seek to avoid saying too often.
Totally agree, Harun, and thanks for commenting.
As always your writing is like peeling layers from an Onion, each layer provoking deeper and stronger feelings and thoughts! I love Onions though! Red ones are my fav and green ones too! But seriously, I think there are many excellent people out there who strive not to have to ever say sorry and I appreciate them. When, for whatever reason they fail it is used as a learning opportunity and their sincere repentance is evident. However, I try not to count on or depend on others and am always looking at what will need to be done if or when they fail - that way I am pleasantly surprised not disappointed and left up the creek without a paddle. I do not ever require an apology, the damage is done and I can tell more by someone’s actions if they are truly repentant. Either way no expect or low expectations is a protective measure that has worked for me. Of course, this is not a parenting technique! But even so I have tried to teach my son to set his own expectations for himself not for others. One of my fav songs by Al Wilson is The Snake! You will love it! I heard it years ago and has stayed with me. In this way one can live their life without piling hurt after hurt up, and walling oneself’s in with bricks if betrayal. But then forgiveness is another whole article yes? 😊
Thank you, Holly. These are very deep and real reflections. Thanks for always taking your time to respond. I'll look for this song and listen to it.
"I do not ever require an apology, the damage is done and I can tell more by someone’s actions if they are truly repentant."
Things just need to be done, not apologies. You can always tell when one is truly sorry, and they will not even need to say "sorry". Thank you my friend.
As someone who is extremely hard on myself, a habitual apologizer, and a frequent mistake maker (though, sometimes i am not even sure of whether they are truly mistakes or just me feeling like i have acted in a way that people might not like), this was a very tough read! LOL
Thanks for this comment. Please don't be too hard on yourself, and, if you don't think you've done anything wrong, don't apologize.
I will try!
Great one, Patrick. I agree. An apology is never the best option. But when it’s necessary, it must be heartfelt, sincere, and backed by action (not repeated poor performance/inappropriate behavior). 👍
Thank you, Marisa. You make a very good point: when necessary, it should be sincere; it should be accompanied by a change in behavior.
'...justice is a correction, a terrible compromise that is evidence of gross malfunction and dysfunction.'
Really well said point, Patrick! Apart from seeking justice, we should also be focusing a lot on eradicating such gross malfunction and dysfunction in the first place!
Totally, Raveen! Justice is good, but addressing the reasons we must turn to it is even better. It is these that should be eradicated.
I am completely in opposition to this new hip view way of what I call distance communication, aka semantics.
Here's another take - from the limited literal to the expansive and inclusive - sorry can also mean " I resonate with how the cause and effect worked out, I can see how one action affected the distance between us and I'm feeling your hurt and how it affected you. It was unconscious and a shitty day." Instead of just words you might feel them, see it in their eyes, understand that the words carry weight because you too know what it's like to deliver a message of weight or feel regret over something said on a shitty day.
It's just a word and we are stuck on words rather than the resonance that vibrates the words. You can take any word and either reduce it to its righteousness or build it into context and create consciousness around it to create a feeling of cohesion. "Ahhh, you might say, I too have sucked from time to time. We can't change the past but can you tell my why you did it so I can understand the full picture." Or something like that.
Cohesion.
We have become lazy in human connection. If we continue down the road of intolerance and semantics, we might as well hand over our humanity to the very precise and very cold robots.
Forget what I say, know what I mean might be the new mantra we need OR talk to me like English is my second language (something I, as an Aussie, used to say to a former partner who was a Texan).
Thank you for this response. Was actually not focusing on semantics, I use "sorry" in this broader sense you describe here, the one of offering an apology.
But I agree with what you say, especially how you frame this as a communication issue where we must focus on more than words.
Deeds don't lie, and we can learn more from them. Perhaps, in this way, there can be a broader context that can help evaluate apologies better, seeing what cannot be expressed in words.
A well considered reflection back to me. Thank you. A really important subject of our times.
When working with clients with traumatic childhoods that find themselves constantly going back in time and unable to move on, I ask them if the person in question were to look them in the eyes, with sincerity, and apologise, could it heal the past - every single one says yes.
So I do it for them.
“Sorry” is one of the most powerful healing words we have and those of us that can, must.
“Sorry will never be number one. People just want you to do your job and play your role.”
This was such a good read Patrick.
My comments on this article is too personal, so I will call you we talk about it.
Again, good work pato.
Thank you, Ivy. No prob, we can discuss this when we talk. I'll be calling you very soon.
Great post. I’ve taught my teen since they were very young about my views on this important subject.
Thank you, Lori. It's important to have these conversations; it's important that others know how we see and feel about these things.
It's fascinating to think of the word "sorry" and just how frequently it is used these days. Does sorry still hold meaning? Does it hold the depth and feeling of sorrow to have slipped up? You're right about sorry being the second-best thing. We should try to prevent lapsing into a sorry-based state where we can, but it means doing what you can to avoid it.
I think, perhaps in a bid to show ourselves as understanding, we have unwittingly created a world where "sorry" has become a cheap word. People offend because they know they'll simply apologize and expect to be forgiven
I think many instances of sorry can be avoided if people really did their best. But they don't, because they think saying sorry is just as good as the work itself. But it isn't.
Thank you, Joanna.
Totally agree. It's past time for the gap between our intentions and the impact of our actions to be seamless. The loosening of standards is not OK. Justice is corrective but also a deterrent. It sends the message to others to get themselves together.
Thank you for these observations, Johanna. Intentions matter little if our actions cause harm to others. We simply should know better. You observe right about justice, which is why it is right for people to discourse about this topic. It may not mean much to one who's already lost. However, when effective, it is the deterrence that will prevent similar incidences in the future.
Without apologies, many interpersonal and societal conflicts might remain unresolved, leading to prolonged resentment, anger, and frustration. If people didn't apologize, there might be less personal accountability for wrongdoings, as individuals wouldn't feel the need to acknowledge their mistakes or make amends.
The absence of apologies could lead to increased social tension and hostility, as slights and offenses would be left unaddressed. Relationships could suffer due to a lack of apologies, as people would struggle to repair damage caused by hurtful actions or words.
Social norms and etiquette would likely be quite different, as apologizing is often seen as a sign of politeness and respect. Without the option of apologizing and settling disputes informally, people might be more likely to resort to legal action to resolve conflicts.
Apologies often involve perspective-taking and acknowledging the feelings of others. Without this practice, there might be less emphasis on empathy and understanding in society.
In a world without apologies, pride and stubbornness might be more prevalent, as people would be less likely to admit fault or back down from their positions. Think Donald Trump.
Overall, a world without apologies would likely be one with more unresolved conflicts, less accountability, and strained interpersonal relationships. Apologies serve an important social function in maintaining harmony and repairing damage in personal and professional interactions.
What thinkest thou my friend?
You make very good points here, Terry, and I agree with them. I think a world without apologies would be poorer in the ways you so very well describe in here. I, however, will add something: I don't think apologies are as effective as those who offer them think.
The one wronged, the one being told "sorry". resents being in the position where he was wronged, and where he must accept this sorry. He accepts it, but still hates himself for it. I think most people see offending for what it is : someone did them wrong because he could, because he's more powerful, perhaps.
Apologies help maintain civility. One who apologizes shows courtesy, the one who receives and accepts shows grace. But they change little. They are like the things done not because they're are necessarily effective, but because not doing them would make matters worse.
This, obviously, applies to errors and offenses of impact. For small ones - like when someone spills coffee on your shirt - they are genuine and accidental mistakes that a "sorry" can fix.
Apologies are not a guarantee of anything. But they can have positive consequences. Wars can be avoided. Students can be given an on-site suspension rather than a suspension. Two people who wouldn’t talk with one another now talk to one another. How you are describing the situation seems to simplify the issue and leave nuances out of the analysis. Apologies in many ways are the basis of religion and the concept of forgiveness and salvation. I’m not sure what to do with your advice. Never apologize? Know that apologies make things worse or do nothing? Do you intend this sentence to apply universally or to a situation to people find themselves in. Your words: “The one wronged, the one being told "sorry". resents being in the position where he was wronged, and where he must accept this sorry. He accepts it, but still hates himself for
It.” I don’t resent being harmed when someone apologizes to me. I’m more apt to appreciate their acknowledgment. I’m not sure what resent means here. What I feel when someone apologizes depends on what they did, why, and their sincerity. I’m in a restaurant. A guy walks by and knocks my coat off the chair and says he’s sorry. I am supposed to hate myself because I said “no problem”? This logic escapes me, Patrick. Explain it to me like I’m a five year old.
Oh no, didn't mean it this way. In your restaurant example, it's a genuine mistake, he certainly didn't mean it. "No problem" is the right response. I used resent to mean being in a position where one is harmed, because he was powerless and the one who harmed him just felt he could.
If, for example, Putin ended the attack on Ukraine and apologized, the war would probably end. Zelenskyy would most likely accept it, but he'd still resent the imbalance of power that saw Russia attack. (This commentary obviously ignores other factors, like those fronted by Russia for attacking Ukraine. I use it to illustrate the role of an apology and it's limitations).
With the restaurant example, an apology solves everything. If it's a war, it solves some things, but there is what it won't address.
We should apologize when wrong, but we should be alive to what cannot be changed by an apology.
Absolutely. But that’s not what you said. My first comment was “An apology is no guarantee.” But if you mean someone who is harmed because he is powerless by someone who just could do it—and then says sorry—that’s a narrow slice of apological activity. You’re talking about psychopathic apologists, not about universal human nature. But the post reads as if you’re talking about everyone and every apologist
I have noticed that a lot of our differences stem from our assumptions about people. I think you generally think a lot more people are good - at least more than I do. Tendencies that you would deem extreme - the stuff of psychopaths and sociopaths, in your definition - I would think of them as being more prevalent in the typical population.
Maybe we've met different kinds of people, maybe you are too optimistic, perhaps there are good things I haven't seen... But I do like how you view people; you generally see them as better than my understanding of human nature makes me believe.
I’ve held a longstanding commitment to examining assumptions. One assumption is that there is one human nature. How much of what we call human nature is learned, inherited? Poverty and prejudice distort life experiences and turn people into cynics and skeptics. Doing something hurtful on purpose and then saying sorry with fingers crossed isn’t human nature; it’s learned behavior, game playing, mental illness. Universal discourse patterns like apologies, vows, oaths, pledges hold important meaning for societies around the world with periodic distortions (Trump, Putin, Netanyahu etc.). In my view, a test of the decline of a society is the degree to which generally people act with language in a responsible, appropriate manner under universal ethical norms like empathy, honest. I know all kinds of people. Nothing surprises me. But I am optimistic about humanity. Humanity is the only being which can deeply learn and self-regulate behavior in community.
Let me play devils advocate Patrick. You would agree with me that no one is perfect right? People have bad days, make mistakes, are insensitive—we’re only human. What would happen in a world where apologies did not exist?
I agree, Terry, no one ever is, and we'll have bad days and make mistakes. In a world where apologies don't exist, we'll certainly be worse off. I just think that we should make these days as few as can reasonably be possible. Currently, I feel that some offend because they know they'll just say "sorry" and expect to be forgiven. It is these that give apologies a bad name.
I think you’re talking about a false apology.