Selfish Altruism
You should want others to do well, even if only so that they can leave you alone
Life is hard, and a lot of work is needed to get anywhere. My honest judgment is that you cannot have the space needed to work towards success if others cannot leave you alone, and they won’t if they cannot manage to be on their own.
I spend a great amount of time thinking about things like migration. Three things are undeniable. One is the migrants fleeing dysfunction, which is what many people in the same situation would do. On the other side are the nations they seek to enter, which cannot take in all of them even if they wanted to. And then there is how migration becomes a highly charged issue where the debate is hardly about solutions but political grandstanding.
And then the long-term solution becomes clear, one that not a single person can deny: what is needed are nations that are at least stable enough that people will not want to flee from them. This is the business of such nations, but it also becomes one of those they (migrants) seek to flee to, for keeping them at bay is a messy business, one which, as Brexit has shown, could (amongst other reasons) lead to collective decisions that people end up regretting later.
This is not an essay on migration or immigration; such a multifaceted topic will need an entire essay or book of its own. I simply use it to illustrate a case where you want others to do well, even if only so that their issues do not end up becoming your problem.
At the individual, organizational, and national levels, whether we’re talking about things like a financial crisis, pandemic, or homelessness, you don’t need to be altruistic to be interested in the affairs of others. You simply have to care about yourself to do so.
It is never a good idea to be the only one doing well in a given setting. Others will flock to you, and you will not dine in peace. You do not want to be the only one with a job in your family; you cannot live the life you want if your brother’s children are struggling to afford an education. You don’t want to be the only smart person in a household or organization. If so, then the burden of figuring out everything becomes yours.
You don’t want to be a successful nation surrounded by failed states. Refugees will flock to your shores, and even the mere act of keeping them away will prove costly. They will pose a genuine challenge: some will use them as scapegoats, opportunists will muddy the waters in debating how to solve the nightmare; it will be an endless struggle.
I live by a simple principle: I want other people to do well. And no, I am not praising myself; I do not claim to have the purest heart. Actually, this principle is itself (to some degree) a selfish one. I want others to do well so that their issues don’t end up becoming my problem.
I have a life to plan and execute, and this already takes up most of my time. Life is already complex, and I would rather work to simplify it. Seeing pain on your door, borders, or shores hardly amounts to simplification.
I genuinely want every man and woman to do well. I will strive to accord all the help I can in their quest to improve. Their doing well means fewer problems for me, it means more space and freedom, things that I can always use more of.
In our friendships, dealings, and associations, these are things we would think about. There are some who derive their validation from being needed. These are dangerous; they get their oxygen from creating dependency. These will never free you. However, in doing so, they yoke themselves to your problems as well, and the outcome is an inevitable one of two tortured souls.
Not everyone can benefit from help. However, if you can, be a good judge of identifying those who can, then move to accord it to them. Do so early, especially if that prevents problems even before they occur. Be the doctor who is keen on preventive medicine. Don’t let others’ problems end up becoming your issues if there is something you can do to prevent that eventuality.
Love yourself; do so because everyone does. Space and freedom are not free, they are bought. Discernment is part of the cost package. Be generous with what you have; be the one who leads in cheering on for others. They could be family, friends, or just fellow countrymen and women. Be even ready to invest in improving others’ well-being and prospects, surprise them by telling them about opportunities they had no idea about.
These things are good in themselves, and you should do them because you are a good person. Still, you should do them even if you aren’t. You want to be surrounded by people who are doing well, because that means fewer problems for you. You are a busy person with things to do; you shouldn’t spend all your time firefighting, and yet you will if you don’t invest your time and energy in helping others.
There is a limit to how much you can insulate yourself from other people’s problems. Even when you can, it could mean the isolation you don’t want. Take a chance on others while also nurturing the more generous and caring side of you. Do it for yourself.
You may not be the most altruistic person, but you should certainly appreciate having fewer problems to deal with. Fortify your flanks by strengthening the capacities of those who, for better or worse, you are stuck with.
My book:
If you enjoy these letters, I encourage you to take a look at my book, The Practice of Living, which is available on all Amazon marketplaces. There, you will find a lot more, all presented in a more detailed fashion.
Great post, Patrick. A couple things really resonated– one must take care of oneself first to help others. That's why when oxygen masks drop in flight, airlines tell adults to put theirs on first. The other reminds me of an old Beatles' line: "No one you can save who can't be saved." Thanks for food for thought in my day, once again.
This reminds me of a colleague that I worked with many years.
Their approach was to keep the knowledge for themselves so that they are "irreplaceable", but over time this also became a burden and eventually they were replaced.
Collective progress prevents problems from festering and eventually becoming your burdens to bear as well. Investing in others is an investment in your own peace and prosperity. Thanks for sharing brother.
I am half on reading your book - I am enjoying it.