If you are like many people, you have experienced something that is common yet unsettling: people who have been good to you suddenly change and do something that disadvantages or harms you.
It could be a spouse or a friend. It could be family or someone you consider a close associate. These people have been good to you, and you, in return, have been the same for them. You have a relationship that has lasted many years, even decades. However, one day, they wake up changed; they betray you, and you and them are effectively done.
You try to understand their behavior; you strive to figure out why they did what they did. You delve into rationalizations. You have a long history with them, and thus are sure they deserve every bit of consideration. You think it was just a terrible mistake, you even want to believe you can repair whatever relationship you had with them.
You, being the forgiving and considerate type, extends an olive branch. You are not desperate, you are just an honorable person who wants to believe a mistake happened that drove a wedge between you and a person you were close with. But then they reject your offer, and then it dawns on you that their doing you wrong was not accidental.
It may not have been deliberate; it may not have been conscious. But this does not mean it has no basis.
No amount of thinking will decode the reasons why people choose to betray you. Even if there were, they wouldn’t be relevant. The truth is that people just get to a point where you aren’t worth their time, respect, love, consideration, etc. anymore, thus moving to treat you differently.
There are many factors and explanations why they may do so, and many of these will have to do with them, not you. Perhaps they have found better options; perhaps the situation has changed and they no longer need you. Perhaps whatever relationship you had with them has declined and they see no point remaining true to you. It could also be that they are making a mistake, one that they will surely live to regret. However, at that time, they would rather make this mistake than continue to choose you.
Don’t tire yourself trying to know the exact reasons why people no longer choose you. You will be surprised to know that making any changes they recommend will not make a difference.
People who commit acts of disloyalty, treachery, deception, and betrayal against you just get to a point where they feel they can. It is that simple. They get to a point where they choose not to do right by you anymore. Don’t die of sadness wondering what you did; don’t be obsessed with thoughts of what you could have done.
You should, of course, work hard to remain that person who your spouse, friend, colleague, associate, etc. would choose. This you must do always, because it is good for you, even before it is so for anyone else. Still, know that this will never prevent someone from finding you inadequate; it will not prevent someone from leaving or transgressing against you.
Many of the people who betray you will actually want to come back at some point. Betrayal is itself irrational; there are better ways of distancing yourself from someone you no longer want to be with without committing treachery. Those who leave may want to come back, and they will beg for the opportunity to prove themselves again. They will count on your long history with them.
You must be ruthless with any man or woman who chooses to do you harm. Yes, you forgave them; you aren’t vengeful; you don’t sink to such lows. But you won’t allow one who chose to leave to return. You live by a simple mantra: you choose those who choose you. Those who did you wrong, especially after you had been nothing but good to them, are not welcome.
Life is easier when we realize that all relationships are sustained by choice. We choose people, and they choose us. We should be true to those who choose us; we should remain loyal to them. At the same time, we should banish those who don’t. Let them go and be with those they’d rather be with.
Anyone who did you harm got to the point where they felt they could. Their reasons are largely irrelevant. Don’t do them harm in return. Rather, cease any engagements with them. There are many that would choose you, and they will not ask for anything in return. Make space for these, be with them, and never look back.
A man does nothing worse for his self-esteem than chase people who see little value in him. Good work, Patrick.
Great post, Patrick.
One of the most freeing things I've ever read is:
"Nobody ever does or says anything because of you."
I have oft repeated this when taking the action or words of another too personally, to the point of suffering the mystery of why they did or said what they did.
It has been quite the powerful touchstone over the years, and helped me so much to just let them go....