Living and Dying

When I won—and why I’ve always been ready to be taken

Photo by Aziz Acharki on Unsplash

In August 2015, I made an achievement that, while modest to many people, was serious to me. I had just turned 25 and recently finished university. I had also rented a bedsitter (studio) apartment and was living independently. At that point, I had achieved a crucial goal in my life: independence. I thus whispered inwardly to myself, “If you die today, my man, you’ll have died better than you were born.”

Born into abject poverty, orphaned at 8, life has been a lot of things for me, but I had always wanted to die better than I had been born. Reaching that threshold meant a lot to me. I wanted to do well in school, get a job, and just make a better life for myself. Being able to live on my own marked the realization of this crucial aspiration. While I obviously did not want to die, it would be okay if I did, for I was a man who had “succeeded”.

I have laughed when discussing this moment with close friends, joking that I succeeded at 25, and that anything pas…